What affects our relationships? What is considered a healthy relationship? What are healthy boundaries?

Relationship dynamics stem from our attachment styles. Attachment styles are formed from early relationship bonds with our caregivers. Knowing which attachment style you have can help create a healthy dynamic for your current or future relationships. 

The different attachment styles are: 

• Secure Attachment

• Ambivalent Attachment

• Avoidant Attachment

• Disorganized Attachment

What these attachment styles look like in adults:

Secure attachment:

• High self esteem and self acceptance

• Seeks out support from others

• Able to express feelings and emotions with people

• Better interpersonal and intimate relationships

• Have a better sense of purpose and one's self

People with secure attachment styles have honest, open relationships. They are able to communicate effectively and solve problems with their partners. 

Ambivalent Attachment:

• Distant from others, scared to become close and intimate

• Overthinks possibilities of attachment from one or other

• Become very distraught when relationships end

People with ambivalent attachment styles often romanticize love based on fantasy rather than reality based. They often find partners who are demanding, obsessive, and adherent or “clingy”. They struggle with insecurities and low self esteem in relationships. 

Avoidant Attachment: 

• Problems with intimacy 

• Little emotion in social and romantic relationships

• Unwilling/unable to share thoughts or feelings with others and partners

• Having a hard time supporting partners

People with avoidant attachment styles are often dismissive in relationships. They are emotionally distant and avoid true intimacy. Avoidant attachment styles seek space and push away from vulnerability with their partners. 

Disorganized Attachment: 

• Exhibit a mix of anxious and avoidant attachment styles

• Strong need for emotional connection, but struggle to be vulnerable

• Sabotage their relationships

• Have a hard time trusting people

• Often associated with unhealthy relationships: toxic traits, poor communication

Disorganized attachment styles often lead to abusive relationships. They are both fearing being too close and too distant from their partners. They get overwhelmed with their emotions. They fear being abandoned, but do not like relying on their partners. 

What does a healthy relationship look like? 

1. Trust 

Trust is an important characteristic in a relationship. Without trust there is no solid foundation for intimacy because of the tense, uneasiness that wanders between space.

2. Communication

Healthy communication nourishes good relationships. It is difficult to do and takes time to accomplish in a healthy and respectful manner, but is important to work on.

3. Patience 

Factors like lack of sleep, stress, or physical health problems will make patience hard to achieve and can create resentment towards your partner when a lack of patience is present. Patience allows for peace, flexibility, and support for your partner, which will allow unconditional love.

4. Empathy

Empathy is an important trait to have with your partner. Being able to understand your partner’s perspective and being able to feel happy for them in their successful or unsuccessful  times allows you to connect with them on a deeper level. 

5. Affection and Interest

Small physical gestures of affection such as hugs, kisses, and touch can help your partner feel secure within the relationship. Every person’s need for affection is different, just as long as it meets the needs of your partner. 

6. Flexibility

Relationships take compromise. It is important that both partners have flexibility with their day to day lives and decision making. If only one partner is flexible and bends their rules for the other it can create an imbalance and the other partner can feel as though they are not being appreciated.

7. Appreciation

When appreciation is shown within a relationship it makes us feel appreciated for who we are in the relationship. This goes hand in hand with affection, appreciating the small gestures will want your partner to keep doing those things. In turn, the satisfaction of your relationship will improve.  

8. Openness and honesty

Levels of openness within relationships vary on different relationships because it depends on the boundaries and comfortability of each person. It is important that honesty is in whatever you disclose with your partner because without it they are hiding their emotions and deceiving their partner, which will jeopardize the trust in the relationship. 

9. Respect

In healthy relationships, respect is always present. They talk to each other in a way that doesn't belittle or invalidate each other. They value each other’s time. They respect each other’s opinions. They protect each other and their privacy. 

10. Reciprocity

This is when both people in the relationship do things for the other because they want to. The “give and take” isn’t always going to be equal because a certain partner’s needs might be different, but it is all about what the other person feels they can give and want to give. 

11. Healthy Conflict Resolution 

Couples argue, but the way a couple argues predicts their success in the relationship. Healthy relationships refrain from stonewalling their emotions. They are able to talk through their problems or different opinions with respect, empathy, and understanding. 

12. Individuality and boundaries

In a relationship it is important to share similarities and common interest as that is a foundation for connection. Though, it is important to give each partner the freedom to explore and have interests of their own such as friendships, goals, hobbies, etc.