Power dynamics play an important role in relationships. The most common dynamics are: demand/withdrawal, distancer/pursuer, and fear/shame. 
A power dynamic in a relationship:

• It is roles and ways of interacting that influence a partner’s behavior

• Imbalances of power often create these dynamics such as; resentment, endless arguments, and emotional distance

• Power imbalances arise from these themes:

• Finances

• Sexual intimacy

• Decision making

• Duties and responsibility

The three common dynamics:

• demand/withdrawal

• distancer/pursuer

• fear/shame

Demand/Withdrawal:

• Refers to one person feeling their needs are not being met and that the other partner is ignoring their requests

• The “demander” feels as though they are constantly asking for something which can lead to:

• Frustration

• Resentment

• Shouting

• discord

• The “with-drawer” avoids the requests because they feel as though they are setting a boundary

How to change the dynamic:

• Keeping agreements and having respectful communication 

• Having your partner understand your needs

• Having a mutual commitment to listening to each other

• Avoiding doing things that may hurt each other

Distancer/Pursuer:

• Occurs in relationships when one partner is more invested than the other, taking initiative more often

• This power dynamic is associated with attachment styles

• If caregiver is dismissive it will result in feelings of rejection, isolation, and fear

• One partner becomes the maximizer (energy out - confronting)

• Other partner becomes the minimizer (energy in - withdrawing)

• Different love languages can come into play with this dynamic

How to change the dynamic: 

• Stepping out of comfort zone ex; distancer initiates planning a date or being intimate

• Think about how the other person wants to be loved rather than how you would want to be loved

• Each partner can receive what they need on what each prefers

Fear/Shame:

• Can play on one or both partners’ insecurities or emotional pain

• Often has to do with the fear and anxiety experienced by one partner and creates feelings of shame or avoidant behaviors

• Leads to withdrawal or aggressive behaviors

• Often rooted in past unresolved trauma

How to change the dynamic: 

• Requires trust, vulnerability, and space to process

• If feeling of shame arises be vulnerable and honest with your partner

• Trust that whatever you are feeling, they will love you and not use it against you

• Seeking support of a mental health professional may also help address the trauma or emotional challenges one or both partners may be facing

How to balance power dynamics in a relationship:

• Being open and honest: this builds trust and intimacy, strengthening the relationship over time

• Compromising: being in a relationship will require compromise because it is impossible to always get your way, acknowledging different points of view and willing to give and take. 

• Respecting boundaries: listen and respect your partner’s different needs and preferences

• Supporting individual interests: encouraging each other to pursue personal and professional goals, see family and friends, do things each other enjoy by themselves

• Arguing fairly: avoid blame and take short breaks if need to cool down, avoid talking about other subjects

• Trusting: assume positive intent and give your partner the benefit of the doubt