Power dynamics play an important role in relationships. The most common dynamics are: demand/withdrawal, distancer/pursuer, and fear/shame.
A power dynamic in a relationship:
It is roles and ways of interacting that influence a partner’s behavior
Imbalances of power often create these dynamics such as; resentment, endless arguments, and emotional distance
Power imbalances arise from these themes:
The three common dynamics:
demand/withdrawal
distancer/pursuer
fear/shame
Demand/Withdrawal:
Refers to one person feeling their needs are not being met and that the other partner is ignoring their requests
The “demander” feels as though they are constantly asking for something which can lead to:
Frustration
Resentment
Shouting
discord
How to change the dynamic:
Keeping agreements and having respectful communication
Having your partner understand your needs
Having a mutual commitment to listening to each other
Avoiding doing things that may hurt each other
Distancer/Pursuer:
Occurs in relationships when one partner is more invested than the other, taking initiative more often
This power dynamic is associated with attachment styles
If caregiver is dismissive it will result in feelings of rejection, isolation, and fear
One partner becomes the maximizer (energy out - confronting)
Other partner becomes the minimizer (energy in - withdrawing)
Different love languages can come into play with this dynamic
How to change the dynamic:
Stepping out of comfort zone ex; distancer initiates planning a date or being intimate
Think about how the other person wants to be loved rather than how you would want to be loved
Each partner can receive what they need on what each prefers
Fear/Shame:
Can play on one or both partners’ insecurities or emotional pain
Often has to do with the fear and anxiety experienced by one partner and creates feelings of shame or avoidant behaviors
Leads to withdrawal or aggressive behaviors
Often rooted in past unresolved trauma
How to change the dynamic:
Requires trust, vulnerability, and space to process
If feeling of shame arises be vulnerable and honest with your partner
Trust that whatever you are feeling, they will love you and not use it against you
Seeking support of a mental health professional may also help address the trauma or emotional challenges one or both partners may be facing
How to balance power dynamics in a relationship:
Being open and honest: this builds trust and intimacy, strengthening the relationship over time
Compromising: being in a relationship will require compromise because it is impossible to always get your way, acknowledging different points of view and willing to give and take.
Respecting boundaries: listen and respect your partner’s different needs and preferences
Supporting individual interests: encouraging each other to pursue personal and professional goals, see family and friends, do things each other enjoy by themselves
Arguing fairly: avoid blame and take short breaks if need to cool down, avoid talking about other subjects
Trusting: assume positive intent and give your partner the benefit of the doubt
