How to Deal With a Partner Who Won’t Communicate: Insights from a Couples Therapist
Have you found yourself coming home from a long day at work and dreading the moment you ask your partner about their day and they mumble a one-word “Fine” or “OK” without as much as a glance at you as they continue to scroll through their phone?
If you have been in this situation time and time again, you may be wondering to yourself, “What the heck can I do to get my partner to say something to me? ANYTHING to me at all?”
In this post, we’ll explore reasons why your partner may not want to talk to you, as well as discuss different strategies often learned in couples therapy. By employing these strategies, you can help your partner open up to you more, verbalize their thoughts and feelings, and improve your overall communication with your partner.
What Does It Actually Mean When My Partner Won’t Communicate?
Maybe they’re just having a bad day. Maybe they’re just tired. Maybe they’re still mad at you for not doing the dishes last night. Or maybe this has become a part of a larger pattern of poor behavior and lack of communication between you and your partner that has been going on for some time now.
John M. Gottman is the founder and director of the Gottman Institute, where he and his team study couples struggling with their relationships in laboratory settings that mirror actual homes. When it comes to a partner who does not talk or refuses to communicate, Gottman identified this behavior as “stonewalling”, a reaction the reticent partner has during a discussion or argument. Gottman calls it one of the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”: one of four types of negative interactions that occur between couples, which can plague the relationship and contribute to their ultimate demise, with the other three “horsemen” being criticism, contempt, and defensiveness.
With stonewalling, it is precisely what it sounds like: when confronted, your partner is not willing to talk about the issue and will be unresponsive, evasive, feign being busy, or even just physically walk away.
In their research working with couples, Gottman and his team discovered that:
85% of stonewallers in heterosexual relationships are men. When women stonewall, it is a significant sign of severe marital dysfunction.
During conflict, men are more likely to shut down, while women tend to intensify the pursuit of the issue.
A physical reaction of 100 heartbeats per minute in their subjects predicted stonewalling.
What the stonewaller is typically thinking in the heat of the moment is, “I do not want to make things worse, so I just will not say anything.”
By not responding, the stonewaller is in fact trying to calm themselves down.
Is My Partner’s Lack of Communication Stonewalling?
Do not dismay! Just because your partner does not talk much does not mean they are stonewalling. Stonewalling does not happen overnight. It follows a pattern of prolonged, ongoing communication struggles with your partner that includes those other types of negative interactions mentioned earlier: being critical, showing contempt, and acting defensively.
Hopefully, the lack of communication you are experiencing is not layered with those other things. Rather, it just may be the case that your partner simply feels uncomfortable sharing their feelings, fears being judged, or lacks the skillset to effectively verbalize their day-to-day experiences with you.
It also does not mean they do not care about you or do not love you anymore, just because they do not communicate with you.
Most often, our partners are likely feeling anxious, frustrated, or afraid of hurting our feelings. Your partner may resort to behavior that may seem like stonewalling when, in fact, they are simply afraid of having the “talk” about that “thing” that you want to discuss.
Other reasons your partner may be hesitant to communicate could include:
fear of conflict
a desire to reduce tension or “not make things worse”
fear of how their partner may react
feeling like it’s impossible to try and resolve the issue
Sometimes, a partner’s lack of a verbal response in a difficult situation (an argument with you) is a learned response. One that has been used in their past to cope with other challenging issues.
What Can I Do to Encourage My Partner to Open Up More?
Remember, this is hard for your partner to do, and it is important to keep in mind and be aware that your partner is likely stressed by confrontation.
Here are some things you can do to try and encourage your partner to open up more to you when you want to discuss something:
Identify what it is you want to talk about first before diving into the discussion. Let your partner have a moment to decide if they are comfortable now talking about the topic, and if not, table it for a later date.
Find a place that feels safe and comfortable for your partner to talk, where your partner does not feel “cornered”.
Ask open-ended questions and avoid questions that can be answered with a simple “yes” or “no”.
Show an interest in what your partner is saying by actively listening. Make eye contact, lean forward, nod in agreement, and do not interrupt your partner until you know they have finished.
Reflect what your partner says to you by paraphrasing their words back to them. This will let them know you are not just hearing them, you are paying close attention to their spoken words and trying to understand them better.
Be mindful and respectful of how your partner paces their sharing.
Use words that are neutral and not critical, blaming, or accusing your partner.
Once you and your partner have successfully started a conversation, maintaining it is another challenge. Oftentimes, what starts off great ends terribly, or in a lot of cases with couples, it does not end at all. Rather, old patterns emerge, and your partner likely ends up shutting down. So what can you do in this situation?
Take a Break and Soothe
Take a break during discussions. When your partner starts to get that feeling of shutting down, have them let you know by using a predetermined signal or code word you both came up with prior to beginning a conversation. That will prevent you from getting upset yourself when you realize your partner is not shutting down again and on their own ending the discussion. But rather, they’re just needing a break because they’re feeling overwhelmed.
Once you have separated, the next step would be to encourage your partner to self-soothe and reduce their anxiety. Some ways to practice self-soothing include:
Focus on breathing, making sure breaths are full and regulated versus rapid and irregular. Try square breathing, aka box breathing.
Visualize a safe space where nothing can possibly bother you.
Tense and relax your body muscles (clench your hands into fists and open them).
Listen to some calming music.
Go outside and take a walk down the street and back.
The best communication happens when both partners are relaxed, comfortable, and free of stress. When you observe that your partner is struggling to communicate, it's important to help support them to relieve their anxiety and fear in whatever way possible. That way, the conversation you are having can continue, albeit maybe not in that very moment, but after taking a break.
Can I Really Make My Partner Communicate More?
You know the old saying, “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink.” Likewise, you can try all these suggestions and set the table in just the right way you think your partner will feel comfortable. Still, despite your best efforts, they may not end up talking with you, which will be frustrating.
As a couples therapist in Arcadia, I recognize that it’s a tremendous challenge to manage your reactions when your partner won’t communicate with you. Often, the tendency is for the partner who desires more communication in these moments to get upset themselves and escalate emotionally to the point where they end up checking out as well. This ultimately creates a destructive pattern of communication (or serious lack thereof) between partners.
Fight this urge to get upset at your partner for not communicating. Instead, use the tips shared here to self-soothe in those moments of tension, avoid falling into those negative patterns, and take steps toward lasting change.
You want your partner to communicate more, and while you cannot force them to do so, you can make an effort on your end to make the process as easy and stress-free for your partner by following some of the suggestions shared here with you.
At Maple Leaf Counseling, we strive to create a space soft enough to hold your truth. Whether you come in as a couple or on your own, we believe your relationship deserves compassion. Connection is still possible (especially here). Reach out to us today by email at info@mapleleafcounseling.org or by phone at (626) 214-8384.
Break Communication Barriers with Couples Therapy in Arcadia, CA
When your partner shuts down or avoids important conversations, it can leave you feeling isolated, frustrated, and unsure of how to move forward. Couples therapy provides a safe and supportive space where both partners can begin to share openly, rebuild trust, and learn new ways of listening to one another. With guidance from a skilled therapist, communication can shift from silence and misunderstanding to clarity and connection.
At Maple Leaf Counseling, we offer in-person counseling in Arcadia and Claremont, as well as online therapy, so you can access support wherever you are. Here’s how to get started:
Talk through your relationship concerns and explore therapy options once you schedule a free 20-minute consultation.
Work with an experienced couples therapist in Arcadia who can help identify roadblocks and teach healthier communication strategies.
Learn practical tools to express yourself honestly, listen without judgment, and create a more supportive partnership.
You don’t have to feel stuck in silence. Couples therapy can help you and your partner break the cycle of disconnection and build a relationship grounded in openness, respect, and deeper understanding.
Other Services at Maple Leaf Counseling in California
Struggling with a partner who won’t open up can be painful, but couples therapy helps break the silence by creating a safe, neutral space to foster connection and understanding. With professional guidance, you and your partner can learn how to move beyond avoidance and rebuild trust through healthier communication.
At Maple Leaf Counseling, we understand that relationship challenges often overlap with other personal struggles. That’s why we offer a wide range of therapy services in addition to couples counseling. Our therapists provide individual therapy for adults, therapy for teens, and counseling for children. We also specialize in helping clients through grief, chronic illness, and perinatal and postpartum challenges. Whether you prefer in-person sessions at our Arcadia or Claremont offices or online counseling, our goal is to make therapy accessible and supportive wherever you are.
To learn more about how we can support you, we encourage you to explore our mental health blog, browse our FAQ page, or reach out directly. You can also connect with us on Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn for resources and updates. Whatever challenges you’re facing—whether in communication, relationships, or life transitions—we’re here to help you find clarity, healing, and renewed connection.
About the Author
Ken Park, LCSW, is a licensed clinical therapist who works with adolescents, young adults, adults, and couples managing ongoing mental health and behavioral challenges, including depression, anxiety, ADHD, Autism, addiction-related disorders, and interpersonal/relationship problems. Ken also specializes in working with clients and families struggling with screens/video gaming and other technology-driven issues, and clients suffering from grief and loss. Ken is currently in private practice at Maple Leaf Counseling in Arcadia and Claremont, California.
References:
Gottman, John M. & Silver, Nan (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York, NY: Harmony Books.
Gottman, J., Gottman, J. Schwartz, Abrams, D. & Abrams, R. Carlton (2018). Eight Dates: Essential Conversations For a Lifetime of Love. New York, NY: Workman Publishing.
Haase CM, Holley SR, Bloch L, Verstaen A, Levenson RW. Interpersonal emotional behaviors and physical health: A 20-year longitudinal study of long-term married couples. Emotion. 2016 Oct;16(7):965-77.