What Is Stonewalling in a Relationship? How Couples Counseling Can Break the Silence
Stonewalling is a communication pattern where one partner completely withdraws and emotionally shuts down during a conflict. This behavior leaves the other person feeling unheard, ignored, and isolated. But is this something you're experiencing? And if so, what's behind it?
Stonewalling can be a deliberate attempt to manipulate or punish a partner. However, couples therapy reveals that it's more often an unintentional defense mechanism. It's used when an individual feels emotionally overwhelmed or "flooded." Understanding this difference is the first step toward healing.
What Are the Signs of Stonewalling?
Stonewalling can manifest in subtle and overt ways. Here are some key signs to look for:
The Silent Treatment: Your partner refuses to acknowledge your attempts to communicate, acting as if you aren't there.
Physical Disengagement: An individual deliberately turns their attention away. They avoid eye contact or physically leave the room to escape the conversation.
Being Busy or Distracted: Your partner distracts themselves with their phone, a task, or anything other than the topic at hand.
Short, Minimal Responses: They engage in the conversation but only with one-word answers. Or with brief, unhelpful replies.
Dismissing or Minimizing Concerns: They deny your feelings or the seriousness of the issue.
Deflecting or Accusing: They change the conversation to avoid the present issue or place the blame back onto you.
The Roots of Stonewalling
So, what causes someone to stonewall? When a person feels attacked, criticized, or helpless in a conflict, their body can go into a "fight, flight, or freeze" response. Stonewalling is a form of the "freeze" response, where the person mentally and emotionally checks out. They do so to protect themselves from perceived emotional danger.
Individuals who stonewall may have a history of avoiding conflict. Or they may have never learned healthy conflict resolution skills. They might genuinely believe that shutting down is the only way to prevent a fight from escalating or to protect themselves from being hurt.
Breaking the Silence: How Couples Counseling Can Help
Couples counseling provides a structured and safe environment to address and overcome the cycle of stonewalling. A therapist can help couples understand and change this dynamic in several ways:
1. Identifying the Root Cause
A therapist can help both partners understand what's truly causing the stonewalling. They can help the stonewalling partner recognize the physiological signs, such as a racing heart or shallow breathing. They can also help them learn to communicate their need for a break before they shut down.
2. Encouraging Empathy and Vulnerability
A therapist provides a space for each partner to be open and honest about how stonewalling is impacting them. This allows the stonewalling partner to safely express the fears or emotions that cause them to withdraw. Meanwhile, the other partner can share how it makes them feel. This cultivates mutual understanding and encourages a willingness to change.
3. Teaching Healthy Communication Skills
An experienced couples therapist can introduce effective communication strategies. Ones that help couples express their needs without resorting to stonewalling. These include:
Taking a Break: Instead of stonewalling, agree to a planned pause in the conversation when emotions are heightened. It’s crucial that this pause has a set time limit and both of you are committed to returning to the discussion.
"I" Statements: When expressing feelings, use "I" statements rather than "you" statements to avoid placing blame. For example, instead of saying, "You always shut me down," a partner can say, "I feel hurt and alone when we can't talk about things."
Active Listening: Both partners learn to genuinely listen to each other. This can involve paraphrasing, asking clarifying questions, or even role-switching. This provides insight into your partner's perspective and shows a commitment to understanding.
4. Practicing Self-Care
When you're on the receiving end of stonewalling, it can feel like a profound disconnection. It can leave you with feelings of invisibility and isolation. This experience can be incredibly draining, and it's essential to recognize the toll it takes on your emotional health. To counteract these effects and protect your well-being and sense of self-worth, it's vital to shift your focus to your own needs. This isn't about ignoring the problem in your relationship. It's about building your resilience so you can approach the situation from a place of strength.
Break the Cycle and Find Your Voice
Stonewalling can feel like a lonely and frustrating dead end, leaving both partners feeling unheard and disconnected. But it is not a permanent state. By recognizing the signs, understanding the underlying reasons, and committing to change, you can begin to heal this damaging communication pattern.
Remember, a healthy relationship isn't about avoiding conflict. It's about facing it together with empathy and effective tools that promote lasting change. While it may feel impossible to break the cycle on your own, couples counseling offers a roadmap and a safe space to do so. With the guidance of a therapist, you can learn to replace silence with honest conversation, defensiveness with vulnerability, and emotional distance with true connection. The first step toward breaking the silence is to find the courage to speak up and to reach out for the help you both deserve.
Our team of expert therapists at Maple Leaf Counseling is ready to help you and your partner rebuild healthy, open, and honest communication. When you’re ready for support and guidance, we invite you to connect with us by phone at (626) 214-8384 or email us at info@mapleleafcounseling.org.
Strengthen Communication With Couples Therapy in Arcadia, CA
When one partner shuts down or withdraws during conflict, it can leave the other feeling ignored, rejected, or hopeless. Stonewalling can quietly erode trust and connection, but couples therapy offers a path forward. In a safe, neutral space, you and your partner can learn to communicate more openly, understand one another’s needs, and rebuild emotional closeness.
At Maple Leaf Counseling, we provide in-person sessions in Arcadia and Claremont as well as online therapy, so support is always within reach. Here’s how to begin:
Share your concerns and explore whether or not couples counseling is right for you during your free 20-minute consultation.
Work with an experienced couples therapist in Arcadia who understands how stonewalling impacts relationships and how to break the cycle.
Gain practical skills to express yourself clearly, listen with empathy, and rebuild trust where silence once stood.
You don’t have to feel stuck in a pattern of withdrawal and disconnection. With the help of couples therapy, you can restore healthy communication and create a stronger, more connected relationship.
Other Services Maple Leaf Counseling Provides in California
When stonewalling becomes a pattern in your relationship, it can feel as though every conversation ends in silence or distance. Couples counseling provides the tools to break through this barrier, helping partners feel heard, understood, and emotionally reconnected. With professional support, communication can shift from shutdown and frustration to dialogue and understanding.
At Maple Leaf Counseling, we know that relationship struggles are often intertwined with other personal challenges. That’s why we offer more than just couples therapy. Our services include individual counseling for adults, as well as therapy for teens and children. We also specialize in helping clients navigate grief, chronic illness, perinatal and postpartum transitions, and other significant life changes that impact emotional health. Sessions are available in-person at our Arcadia and Claremont offices or through secure online therapy, giving you flexible options for care.
To learn more about our team and how we can support you, we invite you to explore our mental health blog, visit our FAQ page, read our practice story, or reach out to us directly. You can also follow us on Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn for helpful insights and resources. Whether you’re working to overcome stonewalling, rebuild communication, or find personal healing, we’re here to guide you toward a healthier, more connected future.
About the Author
Courtney Hine, M.A., drawn to the power of therapy to help people through life’s most challenging moments, practices psychology from a psychodynamic perspective—helping clients understand how past experiences shape who they are and supporting them in reshaping thought patterns to grow into who they want to become. She works with children, teens, adults, and couples, addressing issues such as depression, anxiety, ADHD, and life transitions. Her approach emphasizes vulnerability, trust, and building meaningful rapport, whether through play therapy with kids, guiding couples in communication, or helping individuals navigate identity shifts.
Beyond her clinical work, she coached student athletes and worked as a substitute teacher for the past 10 years. She earned her B.S. in Psychology from Dixie State University (now Utah Tech University), a Master’s in Psychology with a specialization in Child and Adolescent Behavior from Capella University, and is currently pursuing further training for her Psy.D at the Chicago School of Professional Psychology.